Enigma-Of-Absolute is my new account.


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I was looking at my old Journal entries and such and I see how pathetic and immature I used to be. It literally makes me sick.

Honestly, Please know, I am nothing of that person anymore. I am far from it.

I can see the flaws, I can see the destruction, the horror, the absolutely fucked up shit of the world. How much we have continuously destroyed her and it breaks my heart. I hope you see these things too. Of course understanding stands along side with sight.

I feel the grass, I feel the energy, I see it all and I want nothing more to be one with our great mother and our father eternity, the sun, the giver of all life.

It's truly gorgeous. It's truly and honestly profound and just amazing. It makes my soul move and cry out like nothing else can possibly do or even get near.

I hope you love our mother too, I hope you don't destroy her like everything else does...

Either way. I only write this so you know I've changed, So you know I'm not that whiny "apathetic" pitiful little child I used to be.

I've made some horrible mistakes, as I'm sure we all have, and I've learned a great amount from them. I'm sick of complaining and I'm sick of hoping for things that are impossibilities.

Live and Let live.

Truly something to think about. Anger conquers nothing.

Sometimes we wonder why we exist, why we breath, why we live, why we are subject death, etc.

All these questions supposedly have no real answer that we are capable of possibly comprehending for the human mind is incapable of truly comprehending anything from absolute truth or divinity. Though, honestly, that's a load of shit.

Although that's not what this rant is about. For we can find our own fucking answers that fit our own little world and our own beliefs. Because we all know you wouldn't believe what I would have to say anyway.

Excuse the slight bit of irritation/anger.


I've always adored my mother, no matter how much she has destroyed my mentality and broken me down time and time again. This, not suggesting the pitiful and common tragedy of growing adolescence.

Though, lately, I've been noticing more and more of the flaws. Of the weakness in my head. My incapability of controlling my emotions, my mentality, and foremost - my sanity.

Images of my past have been raping my mind lately. Bringing up old emotions, old fears, old paranoia, anxiety and panic attacks. They have been getting more vivid and more distressing. I'm unsure how to handle it for the strength of it, now, is immense. I can't stand it. I've been doing all I possibly can to release the past aggression and depression but unfortunately I'm seeing it isn't really helping. This probably makes me sound weak and pitiful, but nevertheless that's not it at all.

I just feel tainted. Or something or other. I feel disappointed and simply depressed. My mother has destroyed me. She puts me in this home with two others who obviously despise me and don't care for my existence. And yet all she does about them is just constantly bitch to me about them? About how much she despises them for being them, it seems. Yet she deals with it, I have no idea why.

I don't belong here.

I honestly can tell you I don't. I hate it here. I'd rather move in with Linda or anyone who would possibly take me in. I can't stand this.

Yet if I tell mother that she'll freak out. She couldn't understand it. All I get from her family is negative energy whenever I'm in the room. I really don't like knowing my presence is constantly unwanted. I don't like the idea of being constantly judged in my own fucking house. It isn't fair, it's never been fair, and there's no solution to it.

I can't move with my brother, there's no room for me and there's no way in hell I'm leaving my true family here. (Jonny, Israel, etc)

I noticed how much I've been staying away from here lately, usually I enjoy being in solitude. I just... I honestly don't know what to do.

I want out... I really do. But I'd rather not hurt anything or be a burden to anyone either, so I guess I'm caught there? I just know I can't handle too much negativity or I start to literally go crazy...

I don't know. I just feel inflicted and hurt at the moment.

I don't belong.

Do we belong anywhere? Who knows.

yea.... whats up people? i knwo i havent had much artwork put up recently but im working on some which are pretty cool, might be awhile tho.
i have now read Interview with the vampire, The Vampire Lestat, and The Vampire Armand all by Anne Rice! im in the midst of reading Queen of The Damned now... gah! i love her books lol.
i read the first season of Trigun (got it from some loser who thought i was gunna kick his ass lol)
ive read Legal Drug 1 and 2
the first Loveless
#1 of Yotsuba
and Deathnote all 1-10 ^_^

im gunna og shopping on the 1st at Suncoast at the mall cuz theyre having a sell, anyone have any ideas on what i should get besides the other Loveless books?

and yea, my life is looking up. i get to see Aaron this week sometime which is so kickass im extatic! and i get my braces off on Thuresday heheh... i bet ill look weird o.o
no idea.. AND i have a pet rat named Whiskers ^_^ my snake wouldnt eat her so she's my pet now which is pretty awesome.. eheh...

yea................. for those of you who still pay attention ot me, i love you O_O lol as friends of course ^_____^


Peace out guys!!

my poem "Meaningless" is how i feel right now for i have realized many of the horrid things that ive tried my best not to think about.
i now know my future. i am destined to take over my mother's wretched Dish Network and Direct TV company no matter how much i dont want to. i have no reason with myself and why i should live anymore. but the only reason i wont do anything stupid is for the people i love and who love me. if there wasnt a such thing as love. id be dead. but i digress and ill get back to the point. ive realized i am not a child anymore, i am forced to do the boring and meaningless things such as school and all that and the creatures ive fantasized about and wanted so bad to meet and be apart of do not exist.
ive stopped drawing a lot since there doesnt seem to be meaning and ive tried to start up with my music once again but i will not stop drawing altogether. ive gotten into Anne Rice's books and ive read The Vampire Armand already and im now reading The Vampire Lestat now. but yet again those thing's dont matter.
and for another story to my pathetic and meaningless dramatic life
my so called "Friend" naomi has lied to me yet again is seems but that doesnt matter, im just getting sick of her really. i dont know what keeps me to her but im about to break that chain
hopefully she'll do as she wants and leave me and that school behind and go to the one she wants to, ill be a loner once again but i really dont care.